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by Cora-Laine Moynihan
*Content Warning: talk of abuse and mental illness*
At five years old, my mum hastily grabbed myself and my siblings out of bed and
rushed us out into the cold night to a bus stop. We had no time to change out of our
pyjamas, I had to run in my slippers. We left our dog behind. I sat at that bus stop
with my family all night, waiting for a taxi that never arrived. We had left our home to
escape our abuser.
At eight years old, my hand gripped the door handle like it was melded into the
metal. My muscles dared not move and my breathing hastened. I was anchored to
the ground in fear of the man shouting at me and my Dad to my left. My Dad,
although not biologically related to me, stood taking the brunt of the abuse to protect
me. He could not shut the door since I was holding it open.
At ten years old, I had rode home from school, missing out on cheerleading practice.
We came into our street, riding as quickly as possible, only for my Dad to push me
onto the path, a car slamming into his bike, where I had just been. He told me to go
home and hide. My mum took me and my sister into the bathroom with her as a
woman battered our front door, threatening to cripple her.
At fifteen, I stood in my kitchen making toast. Only for a man to start shouting abuse
at me from the other side of our front door, thinking I was my sister.
I experienced domestic abuse in its lesser known forms. Through verbal abuse,
emotional abuse and psychological. I did not feel that I could speak up about my
pain, for a child who mainly witnesses the abuse cannot be a victim, right? I blamed
myself for the trauma. I became destructive and gave up on anything good in life.
It was not until I received counselling that I realized I was not at fault and that I had a
bigger heart than I gave myself credit for. I hated life because I felt alone after years
of feeling my trauma was invalid, after being the fly on the wall in many abusive
situations. I felt pain over being pushed aside and forgotten about. I felt worthless
after years of bullying. In reality, I just wanted to be heard, to be told my pain was
rational. I wanted to feel loved and accepted.
I continue to have counselling. I continue to have dark days and suffer the effects of
abuse. I continue to feel lonely at times.
I will not lie to you and say that it goes away, because it doesn’t. The pain is still
there but in a lesser form, in a form that no longer controls me. I spoke up about my
negative emotions, to my family, to my friends, to a counselor, and to a support
service. I spend my days in a routine, one that helps me channel my negative
emotions, so I do not burst into an all-consuming destructive flame.
Finding ways to channel my emotions has been one of the most difficult things I’ve
had to do in my short life. I feel too much, and I feel constantly. I struggle to accept
my past. For others I know that have suffered through abuse and have mental
illnesses, I’m sure they would agree this is one of the hardest parts. Acknowledging
how we feel is the easier bit, knowing what to do with these emotions after is where it
gets tough. In numerous self-help guides, books and talks that you can find, they talk
about all sorts of coping techniques: deep breathing, meditating, talking to people,
journaling, etc. What they don’t tell you is that these won’t work instantly.
Many coping mechanisms and exercises take time.
I hated meditating when I first started. I’d get frustrated. My legs would ache. I’d
fidget. I’d dissociate. Yet, I kept at it. I kept doing it for 10 minutes everyday and now
I’m starting to see results. When I feel negatively it’s not as overwhelming as before,
I notice my triggers and can sense something is wrong before it boils up. I release
my emotions in a more manageable way instead now.
So, like I said before, it wasn’t instant results. It was so hard trying to stay motivated
to do these exercises, but I had to keep reminding myself that it will be worth it. Just
like I’m trying to tell you now that it is worth it.
The path to recovery and a more positive mindset is a long, winding one. One that
can take the rest of our lives. Although, it is by pushing through challenges and
obstacles, some of these even being ourselves, that will help us to grow into our full
potential. To grow into the gorgeous flowers we are. I want to give up sometimes and
have given up many others. I expect myself to do this some more too. But it is
through continuing to strive forward that will ultimately leave me more satisfied.
While it must be ourselves that walk this path, we do not have to walk it alone. There
are people in our lives that truly care for us, that are nothing like those that created
our pain, and they are willing to walk beside us on this path, so we do not feel alone
as we overcome what is before us. They are willing to stand beside us as we take
those forward steps. It is up to us to accept this support when we are ready to.
As I mentioned before, I was a very self-destructive person, to the point that I lost my
vision in life. I regained my sight through all the things I have spoken about.
However, not one of these elements could work alone. It is by fitting each of these
cogs to a greater machine, a greater system that I have managed to get my life back
on track.
Each day I meditate. Each day I exercise. Each day I go outside. Each day I speak
to someone, communicate my struggles, and allow them to comfort me. Each day it
has been my choice to get better. That is what it ultimately comes down to, making
our own choices. We cannot choose to be happy, but we can choose to work
towards that. We cannot choose to change our past and forget the abuse, but we
can choose to pave a new future for ourselves, one where we are content and feel
more positively.
Right now, the world may seem dark to you, your life an endless wheel of negativity,
and that is okay. Why? Because tomorrow is a new day. A day in which you can
choose to change your life. If you need support, you can choose to seek it. If you
want to chase your dreams, you can choose to take the first few steps towards it. If
you want to improve your mental health, you can choose to start new self-help
processes.
Remember, nothing good comes instantly. It takes hard work and the willingness to
pursue it. Not all days will be easy, however, on those days do not feel ashamed if
you choose to take a break or to lean on somebody else. Your choices are what
make you strong and your choices are what can improve your life.
My name is Cora-Laine. I am a victim of abuse, alongside thousands more. Our pain
exists. Our joy exists. We exist.
Support Services:
If you need support, are suffering from abuse, and/or from poor mental health please
speak to a trusted adult, that can be family, friends, teachers, or your doctor. You
can also contact the below services for support.
Mind: www.mind.org.uk
NSPCC: www.nspcc.org.uk
Helpline: 0808 800 5000
Safeline: www.safeline.org.uk
YP Helpline: 0808 800 5007
Men’s Helpline: 0808 800 5005
Samaritans: www.samaritans.org
116 123
SHOUT: Text Shout to 85258
Switchboard: www.switchboard.org.uk
Helpline: 0300 330 0630
Women’s Aid: www.womensaid.org.uk
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