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Sultans of Suburbia
CHARACTERS:
ALEX GREENBERG- 17 year old skater boy, easy going and politically incorrect bordering on ignorant
JULIAN GARCIA- also 17, mama's boy and incoming student at Columbia University
MR. GREENBERG- Middle-aged hedge fund manager with little hair and even less patience
Setting: Early 2000s, quaint New Jersey suburb. Evening.
Wide shot of a generic suburban neighborhood, replete with colonial houses, artificial grass, and soccer moms yelling at boisterous children playing football in the driveway. We zoom in on JULIAN, who sits at the edge of a cul-de-sac in front of ALEX’s house, glancing at his watch. From a distance, a group of boys ride their bikes on the street, popping wheelies and whooping, to the ire of several middle-aged homeowners. Among them is ALEX, who rides on a skateboard, skidding to a halt near the cul-de-sac. Hopping of the board, he turns to face the rest of the boys.
ALEX: Aight, I gotta go dawgs. Same time tomorrow?
The boys nod their heads in agreement, and one of them bumps fists with ALEX before riding away with the rest of their crew. Grinning, ALEX kicks his skateboard up and plops down on the concrete next to JULIAN, hand outstretched for their secret handshake. JULIAN, however, lacks the same enthusiasm, firmly rooted to his spot on the concrete.
JULIAN: You're late. As usual.
ALEX: Sorry bro. You know me and the boys are always out on Fridays.
JULIAN: “The boys”. What does that make me then, a tree?
ALEX: You know what I mean. The bros, the guys who skate and do dumb shit. Not like you.
JULIAN: (dryly) I’m flattered. You still haven’t told me why you’re an hour late. The skatepark is probably closed by now.
ALEX: We just got a little held up, that's all. That dumbass Chris forgot to hide the weed, and all of a sudden, a police car starts wailing behind us. So we threw the weed into the bushes and kept riding (chuckles) I bet they've been looking for us for an hour.
JULIAN (stiffly): So you were driving drunk and high. All while underage. Good job, Alex.
Alex scoffs
ALEX: Thanks for your input, mom. Besides, my dad’s best friends with the Cranberry County Police Chief.
JULIAN: Of course he is.
ALEX: Hey, cheer up. I got you a little something to atone for my sins. (pulls two beer cans out of his Nike basketball short pockets, cracking one open)
JULIAN gingerly accepts a beer and cracks it open likewise.
JULIAN: (sarcastically) Thanks Alex. (takes a sip, then shudders) This takes like shit! How do you drink this without vomiting?
ALEX: Sorry I couldn’t get a Mer-lott or whatever the hell it’s called. I’m saving up my allowance for a Mercedes as soon as I retake my driver’s test, but I thought you’d be happy to hear that I was spending it responsibly. (chugs the beer) Besides, only fags drink those fancy wines.
JULIAN cringes at ALEX’s use of the slur. He grows increasingly agitated, crumpling the Budlight in his hand.
JULIAN: You've got some nerve, Alex. First you destroy Mr. Grinnell's lawn, then hide weed, and now you're trying to buy my forgiveness by giving me beer that tastes like gasoline? You’re better than that.
ALEX: (throwing his hands in the air in mock concern) Geez, I'm sorry you're so upset. Besides, it's not a crime if you can get it away with it. And we always do.
JULIAN: I guess it's not. (sits back down). It’s just- it’s our last year together...Not like that, not like we’re together, but in the same place...you know. (blushes)
Beat. The two boys sit in silence, unsure of what to say. ALEX crushes the beer can with his fits while JULIAN tugs at the strings on his Nirvana hoodie. The awkwardness is as palpable as the pools of sweat on ALEX’s basketball shorts,
ALEX: So...Columbia ED. Congrats man!
JULIAN: Yeah, not bad considering my brother went to community college and everyone else grew up before they got their high school diplomas. Mom nearly passed out when the acceptance letter came, but I think I can convince her to let me live on campus as long as I regale her with stories of bright, beautiful Ivy League girls when I come over. Hear back from NYU?
ALEX (snorts): Deferred. And quite frankly, I don't care. What's the point of driving over a bridge to that shithole when I'm gonna be managing my dad's hedge fund in three years? To live in those closets, especially after all those buildings blew up a few years ago? I’m not risking it. Come on, Julian, I’m a cultured man.
JULIAN scoffs, his mouth curling in a half-smile.
JULIAN: (mockingly) Aw, don’t tell me the captain of the wrestling team is afwaid of the big city.
Suddenly, ALEX’s grip becomes unsteady, his hands shaking with rage. He schucks the can against the curb
ALEX: Afraid? You're one to call anyone a pussy. That's why you always look both ways before you cross the street or double know your laces in case you make an ass of yourself when you trip. God forbid you take your hands off the bike for one minute or else or else Mommy's gonna find out
JULIAN shoves ALEX, sending his beer can flying. ALEX is unfazed.
Her little golden boy is full of shit just like every other guy. You wouldn't want me to tell her...about that day on the bridge, would you?
JULIAN’s face falls, his heart thumping as he checks to see if the neighbors are still outside
JULIAN: (gasps)- You- You know exactly why I wanted to jump
ALEX smirks, as if enjoying his discomfort.
ALEX: No. I just didn’t expect you to be more of a pussy than usual.
JULIAN: Just cause I don’t get chased by cops or egg houses, doesn’t make me any less of a man than you are.
ALEX: Maybe. But those AOL chats kinda do.
JULIAN opens his mouth to scream swear-words his mother would stick dishwasher soap in his mouth for saying, but ALEX cuts him of .
ALEX: You wanna escape more than just this neighborhood, admit it. You can't stand that old bitch, you can't stand me, but most of all you can't stand yourself. But your secret's safe with me. Sissies suck, but snitches are even worse, especially around here. We won't tell.
JULIAN opens his mouth in protest, but closes it.
JULIAN: I guess we won't. Beat. You really shouldn't call women "old bitches".
ALEX (takes a sip of beer): What they don't know won't hurt them.
JULIAN nods imperceptibly and rises from the concrete.
JULIAN: I hope you get deferred from NYU. Maybe it’ll teach you something. Like how a 1.5 million dollar house doesn’t make you any less of an asshole.
ALEX: For what? I can buy my way in or out of anything as easily as I can buy these Bud Lights, Julian. White, upper-middle class, resident of suburbia. Guys like us never have to learn.
Slightly disappointed, JULIAN bends down to retrieve the beer can he threw and tosses it into the nearest trash receptacle, praying its recycling.
JULIAN: Right. (checks watch). Well, this has been fun. We have a Calc final Friday, I should probably go study and
Suddenly, ALEX leaps from the concrete and grabs JULIAN’s shoulder.
ALEX: Wait! Wait, I’m sorry, I
Before JULIAN can react, ALEX grabs JULIAN by the shoulders and spins him around, forcefully planting his lips on JULIAN’s. To ALEX’s surprise, JULIAN lingers but gently pulls back after a while.
JULIAN opens his eyes to find ALEX squeezing his eyes shut, his formerly-pale cheeks beet red. JULIAN steps back, half-fearful, half-concerned.
JULIAN: Alex, it’s ok. I don’t know what that was...that was...but it’s ok. You can
JULIAN falters when he sees ALEX open his eyes, now puffy and bloodshot from a mixture of weed and tears.
ALEX: Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. (quietly) What have I done?
ALEX paces back and forth, kicking a trash can to the curb.
JULIAN: Alex, can you please tell me what’s going on?
ALEX: You don’t understand, Julian. If anyone saw (looks over shoulder) I’d be done. I wouldn’t have to worry about being arrested for underage drinking or throwing weed in Mrs. Henshaw’s garden because my dad would take a shotgun and shoot me himself.
JULIAN bites his lip, weighing his next words carefully.
JULIAN: I just... I don’t understand. In freshman year, every time I wore a tie to school you called me a queer. When you told me how your boys beat up that new girl, the one who cuts her hair cut short and skateboards in Cranberry Park, you stood by and watched them beat her like it was a movie. But that day on the bridge...when you pulled me back at the last second, is this why?
JULIAN gestures vaguely, not wanting to mention the kiss.
Was it more than a joke? Was I more than a joke to you?
ALEX: For a guy who got into Columbia, you’re an idiot. The hedge fund, the Bud Lights, that’s part of the routine. They tolerate it, I tolerate it, tolerate them.
JULIAN: I don’t want to tolerate it.
ALEX: You’re different, you...I love you. What I did, what I’ve been doing is horrible(voice cracks). And I’m sorry and I know i’m sorry won’t cut it but I spended every day blaming myself for each step you took on that bridge. If I lost you…
ALEX tears at his chocolate-brown curls.
You think I applied to NYU so I could watch Broadway shows and Mets games? I don’t have the grades to go to Columbia and I don’t have the balls to spend the rest of my life at my dad’s stupid bank, to look him in the face every morning being what I am. I can’t stand not riding with you in the carpool, or listening to Greenday with you on my iPod. I know what I said earlier, and I’d rather live in a box in Manhattan than stay here and inherit this…
ALEX grabs a skateboard and begins hacking at the fake grass on his front lawn.
Stupid lawn. And that (whacks lawn with greater intensity) stupid hedge fund. (Hyperventilating) What’s the point of being a millionaire when the only thing I’ll be spending money on is my funeral, as soon as my dad finds out I’m
JULIAN: Gay.
JULIAN grabs ALEX’s hands, casting the skateboard by the wayside.
Listen. I know it’s hard, and- I’m sorry what I said about you earlier, about you not getting into NYU. You deserve a shot at being happy. Not just drunk happy like you are in front of the other guys or Hallmark movie-happy when you’re with your parents but really happy.
ALEX: You know that’s not an option.
JULIAN. Maybe not here. Maybe not right now. But I promise (squeezes ALEX’s hand) I’ll be by your side just like I was since that day I gave you my extra shorts in middle school cause you spilled apple juice on yours and it looked like you pissed yourself.
ALEX: (laughing) Only you would bring an extra pair of shorts to school.
JULIAN: Hey! You never know when an 8th grade football player might bump into your lunchtray.
The boys laugh so hard they fall onto the grass.
JULIAN: I miss this.
ALEX: I’ll miss you.
JULIAN: We used to be so close. What happened?
ALEX: High School. Puberty. Me finding out the only way to fly under the radar in a 100-person gated community was to be a dick to everyone I know.
JULIAN: You are kind of a dick.
ALEX playfully slaps JULIAN’s shoulder.
ALEX: I’m working on it. God I’m so sorry I really am, man
JULIAN: It’s going to take a while to forgive you. I’d suggest using that time to write an appeal letter to NYU.
ALEX inches forward so that his and JULIAN’s noses practically touch each other’s.
JULIAN: (softly) I love you.
ALEX: (reaching in for a kiss, this time with no inhibition or fear) I love
MR. GREENBERG: Hey!
ALEX and JULIAN wheel around to see MR. GREENBERG , a clean-shaven suit-wearing middle-aged man, behind them on the lawn.
What the fuck are you two doing, trying to get yourselves a first-class ticket to hell?
ALEX: Dad it’s, it’s not what it looks like! We were just practicing for the wrestling match
MR. GREENBERG: Whatever you have to say I don’t want to hear it. I get home from work and the first thing I see is two boys frolicking on my lawn?
MR. GREENBERG grabs ALEX by the arm and pulls him of the grass.
Forget NYU, you’re going to one of those help centers, the ones that do the conversion. Works like a charm, and it only costs a fraction of what I’ll have to pay for you to get into that arts and crafts school.
JULIAN: Mr. Greenberg, please! It’s not his fault.
MR. GREENBERG glares at JULIAN.
MR. GREENBERG: You. You’re lucky I left my shotgun in the Catskills, otherwise you’d be dead right now. I’ll leave your mother to deal with her disappointment. But Alexander (drags him of the lawn) is coming with me right now to the doctor.
ALEX (eyes widening in realization): No, not that doctor! Dad, you don’t know what-
MR.GREENBERG: Yes, that doctor. You have exactly 30 seconds before I drag your ass there myself.
MR. GREENBERG briskly walks towards his Mercedes, slamming the car door shut.
ALEX AND JULIAN are alone, if for a few moments.
ALEX: Well, at least I won’t have to live in a box anymore. (smiles forlornly).
JULIAN: Alex, I
ALEX: It’s not your fault. When you’re in your fancy dorm room at Columbia and I’m getting electric shocks, don’t forget about me ok?
JULIAN bear hugs ALEX, tears silently falling down his face.
JULIAN: There’s so much I want to say I guess I just... I don’t want to be strangers.
ALEX: (softly) We won’t.
End scene.
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