Personal Narrative - Going onto a stage for the first time by Ananya Gondesi

The first time that I performed on a stage was ages ago. I’ve been dancing since I was 6, and I was so used to being on a stage by then. I had also done lots of public speaking at that point. But a new experience emerged for me recently: Theater.

The first time I ever acted in front of an audience was doing final scenes in my theater class. I stood behind the curtain as I watched the two other people in the scene start. I was having a panic attack behind the door. Adding to the fact that we didn’t collaborate too much, and we didn’t get many notes from our director, we were all panicking. We sucked it up and went along because that was our final exam. My mind kept drifting back to yesterday, when I blanked out and forgot everything while practicing. That night I went home and practiced for longer than I should have. I stepped out to enter the stage. At first, the light was blinding. All I could see were older students sitting in the back, laughing. Were they laughing at me? My acting? Our performance? The story? Everything was too overwhelming to even think. The warmth of the light spread across my skin as I started performing my lines. My character Estelle, from this play, No Exit, was supposed to be conceited and rude. I always knew there was some type of evil inside of me, a completely mean side. And I used it. I brought it all out, thinking of all the times I was selfish and used it. I truly made myself believe that I was the greatest person alive, like how Estelle did. I made myself beautiful although the real me would shy away and not accept these kinds of thoughts. It felt like a drug was released in my head. Not a lot was going on in there when I was on stage. I couldn’t hear anything but white noise up there. I did what my body told me to do, and I had no control over my options, like muscle memory or something. I just settled into it. For a minute, I was Estelle. Then I was awoken by the lights turning off, ironically. I realized that people were clapping! For me? For the performance? I ignored my thoughts and bowed down. I got off stage with the high of performing, and I still felt like Estelle. For the rest of the day, I still had the ghost of Estelle there, almost as if she was telling me to look for a mirror to watch myself in. There is no doubt that it took so much energy out of me, but I still felt good about it. I am happy with the way it turned out.

The second time that I ever acted was for a school play. It was still crazy to me that I ever got cast- I was a beginner, after all. My role was to play a superhero that was oversexualized for the purpose of the audience. The play was supposed to expose the horrible stereotypes that superheroes are given. I can remember that we practiced vigorously. I couldn’t help but feel scared- it was my first performance and I had been gone for a while since I attended a wedding in India. We had ran through so many times, and I was confident for a little bit. The first performances that we did were in-school. This meant that we performed for different English classes-the problem with this being that people who didn’t want to be there were forced to come watch us. I was expecting a bunch of skeptics. When I looked into the audience, I saw my closest friends and most of the people from my grade. Are you kidding me right

now? I had to perform in front of people I knew? I remember turning to my co-stars and directors, who were able to help me calm down. I prayed that it would go smoothly. The same high that I got from before came back and I felt the same again. It felt almost...normal. I did my cues, said the jokes when I needed to, and managed it all while running in heels and a short skirt. Afterward, the amount of support I saw was incredible. My friends were so proud of me and were cheering for me, and people I didn’t even know were saying that I did an amazing job.

Dancing and acting are two very big passions of mine, and both are ones that I will continue to pursue for the rest of my life. The mindfulness and the high that I get from performing is something I’ll never get from anything else. So if you are ever considering going on a stage, and you feel nervous, just let your material consume you. Your body will follow, and you too can enjoy the feeling.